Seventh Son Stupidity


Seventh Son is a totally generic fantasy movie that manages to be just a little bit WORSE than everybody else.

It has the generic teen hero who has some hidden potential to fight off the evil, the cool but tough master figure, the evil queen dragon bitch trying to rule the whole world, the token love interest, the two dimensional bad guys serving the head honcho and even that tired plot that sees our hero train, fail, believe in himself, and finally triumph.

Granted though, this movie does boast some decent CGI, a visually developed medieval fantasy world and a few entertaining moments from Jeff Bridges, it doesn’t make up for all the mlegh-inducing problems this movie had.

1 Too Dark

Literally. I'm talking about the lighting, not the tone.

Okay this is probably just a personal thing, but I found it hard to appreciate the action beats that were set at night time. When they were editing the colors in post-production they must’ve thought that darker and more shadow was better. But at times, it really didn’t help.

2 Jeff Bridges Voice

Have you ever heard Jeff Bridges try to do an accent? Well it’s BAD. When Jeff Bridges talks in his tough guy voice, he sounds like Scooby Doo on depressants. He eats his words. But to be fair to him though, his words here are still more audible than his western style accent in RIPD.

And it’s pretty cool to see him so stocky and imposing doing his ninja Santa Claus thing!

The only decent character in the movie.

3 Poor Development

Not a lot happens to the main character, Tom Ward. He comes from a pig-herding family and believes he’s meant for something more. And when Master Gregory (Jeff Bridges) arrives to take him to be his ward (heh, Gregory’s ward is named WARD), he goes into training to become a spook and be able to fight the world’s demons and monsters – training that took William Bradley (Kit Harrington), the former apprentice, 10 long years! But don’t worry; Tom’s training is only a couple of days long and only consists of a montage of few monster-encyclopedia entries and knife throwing practice. Since Tom was already adept in knife throwing, Gregory’s training was tantamount to him just saying – Practice more! (Makes you wonder what he had Billy do during those 10 years.)

You know nothing, William Bradley.

And that was it! Not a lot happens to the character after. He has some minor psychological dilemmas, but nothing a vision of his dead mother couldn’t fix. It was very hard to invest on a main character that felt like such a phony.

4 Irksome Teen Drama

Irksome teen drama is irksome.

NOTHING is more underdeveloped than the romantic connection between these two, doe-eyed idiots. You know they’re eventually going to end up as each other’s love interest, but come on! At LEAST make the journey interesting! We don’t buy the love at first sight bull you’re selling us.

“Blue Spark” my ass!

5 The Dumbest Villains EVER

You have giant bear-wolf things, ogres, dragons and such, but because of this ridiculous honor code, they can be goaded into fighting in their “human” form that makes them susceptible to your standard punch or kick or sword. Seriously, if you were a giant mystical beast, why the f*ck would you want to go back to human form? It’s like these villains are determined to give up every advantage they have against the heroes.

Also, the army of “assassins” were beaten by Tusk, the Hodor knockoff...

An ARMY. Of ASSASSINS. Beaten by a brainless lug. Go figure.

6 That Ending

The absolute WORST thing about this movie is that ending! If you’re still planning to watch this movie (even after everything I said) then I would suggest for you to stop reading now. Spoilers ahead. You’ve been warned.

We were robbed! Robbed, I tell you! Robbed of an epic fantasy showdown between dragon bitch and Master Gregory and his apprentice, Tom Ward. Instead, we were given a practically dead Mother Malkin that’s done in with a small knife. I mean sure, people die from knives, but NOT EVIL DRAGON QUEENS!

Sure she was already fighting another dragon (her sister, no less), and she sustained most of her damage then, but really? Is this how the story goes? A hero is made, and the one who defeats the evil witch is one of her lieutenants? An insignificant one, at that! And Tom Ward already unleashed his hidden potential via the magical glow-y staff, and he doesn’t even use it on the movie’s big bad? What’s the big deal?!


Seventh Son was a forgettable, lousier-than-normal, generic fantasy film that lacks a proper payoff. Like a firecracker that makes all the noise leading up to a boom…but DOESN’T go boom. If this was meant to set up future sequels, I am NOT AT ALL excited to see what comes next. Honestly, if it weren’t for Jeff Bridges, I would never have continued watching it. Bridges’ cool, fun, witty charm was what held this movie together. Other than that, it was Fanta-silly!


Cool costumes though.

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